The REAL reason I want things "just so"!

We've had a busy few weeks in our home with sick little girlies, a sick Mommy, an injured puppy, 2 broken-down vehicles, an amazing over-time workin' Hubby, overnight company, Father's Day & our Daddy's 36th birthday (both on the same day!)!  WHEW!  It's been busy & I feel like I haven't been doing anything well!  I also happen to have this annoying self-imposed deadline for posting things on my blog & if I don't meet my "deadline" I am not happy with myself!  A perfect example is that I took pictures & had thoughts on what I wanted to write for my Hubby's birthday & Father's Day but never did my posts.  The day I was going to set a few minutes aside to post, which was Saturday, the day before his birthday & Father's Day, I woke up with a migraine that just wouldn't stop!  Gratefully, God helped me & even though I felt pretty yucky, my girls & I shopped & got all the food, gifts & decorations I needed for  my sweet Hubby's birthday/Father's Day dinner party AND everything we needed for our overnight company for that same night as our party!  I went to bed having done everything I needed to do except for my special blogs!  I wasn't happy about it but figured I might be able to steal away for a bit to blog on Sunday.  I woke up still not feeling good.  We went to church, came home to eat a special but casual lunch to show our Daddy how much we love him then we took naps.  I cooked our special dinner, finished decorating & setting up our party table & our guests arrived just in time to eat.  Our guests were coming into town for an unrelated thing but they are old friends & we loved having them stay with us!  We sang to my Hubby & celebrated his birthday & Father's Day & we talked late into the night with our friends, long after all of our sweet littles were in bed!  We had a wonderful, fun, happy, special, sweet & amazing day celebrating my Hubby's 36th birthday & his 10th Father's Day!  I sleepily crawled into bed beside my Birthday Boy, once again, NOT having blogged about his special day!  My heart sank.  I was angry at myself.  WHY???????  If you ask my Hubby he could care less whether I blogged about his birthday or Father's Day!  But.......to me, HE is important to me & I love him with ALL my heart so, of course, I would want to record his special day on our blog!  Not for anyone else, but for our own posterity!  It's just for me & our family, right?!  Isn't that all that matters?  Wait a minute.......what is going on here!  Why am I so upset about this?  This is seriously ridiculous Mommy!  (which is what I call myself even in my own mind!  Ha!) I had some investigating to do!  This is one of those moments that I could have & usually do let pass by without a second thought but I laid there thinking.  Needless to say, there was some major sin going on here!   This is what I came up with or rather, what God showed me that night & the many times I've thought about it since.  (Okay, okay, so in reality I've thought about this MANY times before because I've always struggled with this sin!  But, it was all the more evident this time!)  The fruit, or what is seen on the outside is my inordinate desire (which in any given scenario can appear to be a need if you observe how it rules my thoughts, words & deeds!) to be in "control" of my situation AND, this is a major ugly one for me.......SELFISH AMBITION which always & forever follows closely behind my "control" issue!  How I appear to others is way way way too important to me!  NOT GOOD!  Sadly, I often hear this sin of "control" & the desire to appear "perfect" referred to in a more palatable or easy to justify way.  I often hear it referred to by others or even myself think about it as "liking things just so", "type A personality", "OCD tendencies" "anal retentive" & "over-achiever"!  In our "do it yourself", "pull yourself up by your boot straps" culture, it has subtly become funny, a perceived sign of intelligence & a desired personality trait!  The root, or what is really going on way down deep in my heart & WHY the fruit in my life looks the way it does, FOR ME is "self-sufficiency", "pride" & "lack of trusting God" (by showing that I want to trust myself more!)  Let's step back & look at this for a minute.  Let's evaluate this for what it really is!  Since when is SIN funny, a sign of intelligence or something any of us should desire!  We should be calling this what it really is!  Okay, I'm coming clean, I'm outting myself, the jig is up.......I am self-sufficient, I am proud (& not the sweet, good kind like my kid made the honor roll kind!) & I don't trust God!  Sad.......very sad.......but very true.  If I'm being honest with myself & searching my heart the way God searches my heart, like in Psalm 139:23 when it says,  "Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!", then this is what I see!  I have such a need for God to change me & I have an even greater hope & joy knowing that God is able & willing to change my wretched heart!  

SO.......all week long I've been procrastinating about posting because I'm "annoyed" with myself & embarrassed about not posting about my Hubby's birthday & Father's Day on "time".  I am seriously kidding myself if I think any one actually cares whether or not I post on time or even at all!  Crazy, I know!  SO, from now on I'm gonna do what I can & do it WHEN I can & ask God to help me with all of this ugly sin in my heart when (I say when cause I know it's gonna happen!) things don't go as I have "planned"!  I belong to my Savior, I am HIS, (which means my greatest need has already been taken care of!) I have an amazingly wonderful Husband, 5 beautiful, precious little girls & all of the physical blessings we could need!  I don't need to be fretting about such silly things!

I'll "catch" up on my posts as I can & they probably won't be in order either but that's okay!  : )