My girls are still sick. This makes me very sad & I am getting tired. Not just physically tired but the kind where all of you is tired. Mentally, emotionally & spiritually too. I know God is sovereign. I know He is kind, loving, good, gracious, merciful & I know that He cares for me. I also know that He loves my 5 little girls more than I ever could, which is hard to fathom, but it's true! I so desperately want my little girls to feel better & be healthy. They are all coughing, actually "hacking" would be more accurate. They all have runny, snotty noses, sad, sleepy looking little eyes & they are all tired. They try to act like they're not tired & don't feel crummy because they just wanna play & have some fun! They're tired of being cooped up in the house even more than I am! If you know me at all, I am naturally given (I say "given" because it is something that, more & more, I recognize that I am bringing upon myself! God doesn't want this for me, I do it to myself! His grace is there if I would just take hold of it!) to fearing for my childrens' safety & health. I cry out to God for His grace & occasionally I find that I might have grown a little bit in this area, but I usually struggle with & fail in this area of sin. I pretty much always fret & am anxious when my sweet ones are sick. I always fear & imagine the absolute worst. I know this is so sinful & I get so discouraged with myself for it. I know that God only gives me grace for what I am going through right now. During a prolonged season of sickness of all kinds, including 5 miscarriages, in our family due to what we later found to be toxic levels of mold growing in our kitchen, I was once encouraged by one of my very best, most precious friends, Vivian Holland, to think about the quote by Carolyn Mahaney that says that God "is not sympathetic with my unbelief"! HERE is that link. Talk about knocking the wind out of my sails (in a very good & much needed way!) as I was sailing along on my vast & lonely sea of worry, anxiety & 3 am freak out sessions! I so needed my faithful, loving friend to tell me that & it was so true!
Unfortunately, this time proved to be no different. Although in talking with another sweet friend on the phone earlier that day, she said she heard a glimmer of growth in what I was saying & how I was saying it. I was surprised & so very grateful! God IS at work in me! : ) Here I am once again, listening to my sick babies raspy breathing, congested coughing & bringing out the thermometer at midnight. Not a good scenerio for this fearful Mama! So, here I have a fresh opportunity to trust God. I think I failed.......again.
So, last night my little 2 year old was so congested that she was having a hard time sleeping. She was very fitful & kept crying in her sleep. About 2 am she cried out to me & as I ran to her bed she hung onto my neck for me to pick her up. I brought her into the kitchen so as not to wake her sleeping sissies. Through her sad, sweet but cranky I'm-only-2-&-I-feel-really-yucky tears she told me, "Mommyyyyyy, I can't breafffff in my beeeeeeedddddd!" Oh my heart just sank. My sweet baby! So, I got her a drink, rubbed her chest down, helped her blow her nose & we went to sit in her room by the cool mist humidifier. I sat there rocking my sweet little sickie. To say I was already tired was an understatement but my heart just broke with compassion for my little girl. Yep, I was tired & yep, I really really wanted to be sleeping in my comfy bed beside my best friend BUT at least I could breathe laying down, at least I wasn't hacking at all hours of the night, at least my nose didn't feel like it was gonna fall off. Rocking my baby & stroking her soft, blonde hair was the least I could do. So there we sat together. I was loving our cuddle time. Slowly but surely, one by one, each of my big girls woke up & peeked their little heads over their bunks to see what Ava & Mommy were doing. One of my older girlies offered to let Ava & I listen to her i-pod. (We're not into technology for our children at all but my Hubby & I both felt that giving our girls the ability to listen to music that teaches their little hearts about God was a great thing! Our 3 oldest girls got their own i-pods for Christmas last year. Daddy has very carefully & lovingly chosen music for them & they each have about 30 songs on their i-pod. We use them for afternoon quiet times, long car rides (for a limited & pre-set amount of time!) & special treat times.) At first, I put one earbud in Ava's ear & one in mine. As Ava was listening to the music, I was holding her & scratching her back (a new favorite of Ava's! "Mommy (or Daddy or sissies!), please scratch me?!" SO cute!) & within minutes she was fast asleep! She could breathe much better with me holding her up! Yay! My Mommy-heart was so happy! After my sweet little Ava fell asleep, I was listening with both earbuds. I was singing softly & still holding Ava. One of my girls asked me to sing louder so they could hear me. That made me smile & of course, I obliged. I found myself worshipping. At, by that time, 3 or so in the morning, I was worshipping God! I could sense the joy welling up in my heart. It was a sweet, comforting, refreshing time with my amazing God! As if that wasn't enough, God gave me another gift last night too! I could hear my girls all softly singing along to God! My children, who I pray for earnestly every day to know & love the Savior like their Daddy & I do, were singing to the God of their little hearts! That was such a sweet, precious sound that I'll cherish forever! We sat singing for a long time. I plopped in bed at 4:30 am with a very happy heart! This morning I was tired physically but my heart & my soul were refreshed! It doesn't take much, it was just a little moment, but my kind & loving God knew what I needed! Below are the lyrics of 3 of the songs that I love the most from my little time with God & my girlies last night!
Oh the Deep, Deep Love
Original words by Samuel Trevor Francis (1834–1925), Music, chorus, and alternate words by Bob Kauflin.
Lyrics
Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free
Rolling as a mighty ocean
In its fullness over me
Underneath me, all around me
Is the current of Your love
Leading onward, leading homeward
To Your glorious rest above
Oh the deep, deep love
All I need and trust
Is the deep, deep love of Jesus
Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Spread His praise from shore to shore
How He came to pay our ransom
Through the saving cross He bore
How He watches o’er His loved ones
Those He died to make His own
How for them He’s interceding
Pleading now before the throne
Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Far surpassing all the rest
It’s an ocean full of blessing
In the midst of every test
Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Mighty Savior, precious Friend
You will bring us home to glory
Where Your love will never end
© 2008 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI)
Rock of Ages, Cleft for Me
Lyrics by Augustus Toplady. Music and additional lyrics by Bob Kauflin.
Lyrics
Rock of Ages, cleft for me
Let me hide myself in Thee
Let the water and the blood
From Thy wounded side which flowed
Be of sin the double cure
Save from wrath and make me pure
All the labors of my hands
Could not meet Thy law’s demands
Could my zeal no respite know
Could my tears forever flow
All for sin could not atone
Thou must save, and Thou alone
Nothing in my hands I bring
Simply to Thy cross I cling
Naked come to Thee for dress
Helpless, look to Thee for grace
To Thy fountain, Lord, I fly
Wash me Savior or I die
While I draw this fleeting breath
When my eyes shall close in death
When I soar to worlds unknown
See Thee on Thy judgment throne
Rock of Ages, cleft for me
Let me hide myself in Thee
© 1998 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI).
The Precious Blood
Words and music by Peter Gagnon.
Lyrics
Before the cross I kneel and see
The measure of my sin
How You became a curse for me
Though You were innocent
The magnitude of Your great love
Was shown in full degree
When righteous blood, the crimson spill
Rained down from Calvary
Oh, the precious blood
That flowed from Mercy’s side
Washed away my sin
When Christ my Savior died
Oh, the precious blood
Of Christ the crucified
It speaks for me before Your throne
Where I stand justified
And who am I that I should know
This treasure of such worth
My Savior’s pure atoning blood
Shed for the wrath I’d earned
For sin has stained my every deed
My every word and thought
What wondrous love that makes me one
Your priceless blood has bought
A crown of thorns, pierced hands and feet
A body bruised, and Mercy’s plea
© 2005 Sovereign Grace Worship (ASCAP).
1 comment:
Your post made me cry. In a good way. :D
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