My sweet Anibella!

My sweet little Anibella Hope turned NINE months old on Wednesday the 28th!  She is such a sweet & lovable baby & wow, she just really melts my heart!  Anibella had her routine, 9 month, well baby check up the same day.  I'm grateful to God that all of my girls have been healthy & we have never had anything to be concerned about at any of their check ups but my sweet baby's check up this time was different.  I was already anxious about it because I knew that Anibella was still very tiny & I could hardly wait to find out how much she weighed!  At her 6 month check up, Anibella weighed 14 pounds & 1 ounce.  That put her right about the 10th percentile which was pretty normal for our girls at her age.  All of our girls have been petite & usually start catching up around 2 or 3 years old. Over the next few months we continued to exclusively nurse & I was nursing Anibella whenever she seemed even remotely hungry to help her gain!  At around 8 & 1/2 months I started getting worried because she was still so tiny yet she was pulling up & cruising!  SO, I weighed her at home & realized that she was still only about 14 & 1/2 pounds.  OH MY!  My heart sunk!  I called our Pediatrician & she told me to start feeding her anything & everything she would eat PLUS nursing as much as possible PLUS formula if she would take it.  I called my good friend whose baby girl was tiny too to get advice on what I could feed Anibella.  Out of the many things she told me, our favorite is instant oatmeal in the little packets mixed with a jar of baby food peaches or apples once it is cooked.  My sweet baby LOVES it!  Actually, the brown sugar oatmeal mixed with peaches kinda tastes like peach cobbler & it's actually pretty yummy!  SO, I have to say, I usually would not be giving my little baby flavored, sugary oatmeal but at this point, we are doing everything we can to help our sweetie gain weight!  I was very diligent to feed Anibella 3 meals a day plus snacks PLUS nurse her as much as she wanted!  She is SUCH a sweet & enduring baby & happily ate every time I fed her!  : )  I thought I could tell that Anibella was gaining but couldn't tell for sure down to the ounce.  I had been hoping & praying & praying & hoping that she was well over 16 pounds but I was also really TRYING not to obsess over it!  Well, at her check up she weighed 15 pounds 6 ounces, which puts her in the 3rd percentile.  I almost cried.  I bit my lip, picked my sweet, beautiful, precious little baby up off of the scale & hugged her tight.  Trying hard not to cry, I whispered "I love you so much my Bellie Buggs!"  in her ear just because I was sad & wanted her to know how special she is to me!  We were put into the room to wait & I just prayed for my sweet baby!  When our doctor came in she went through all of the things I can do to help her gain, all of which we are already doing!  She wants us to come back in a month to check Anibella's weight again.  I am hoping & praying, again, that God helps my baby girl to gain as much as possible!  So, my heart was already heavy about that when she told me to put Anibella on the table to check her out.  She was doing all of the routine things that I've seen done a hundred times & then she listened to my baby's heart.  I was looking into Anibella's sweet little trusting blue eyes & holding her hand when her doctor cocked her head sideways, listened a little harder, pulled back & with a surprised look on her face said, "Have I heard a murmur before?"  I was shocked but managed to get out, "No!"  She listened again & said, "Yes, yes, I'm definitely hearing something that we need to get checked out!"  "Anibella needs to have an EKG!"  I, literally, felt like I was going to pass out.  It took my breath away.  I looked down at my sweet little baby girl sitting there on the table in just her diaper with her soft, blonde curly hair, her sweet, trusting blue eyes looking up at her Mama & her little hands holding on tightly to mine & I felt my head swirling & my heart about to panic.  "Jesus, help me!" I thought.  "What is going on, what is wrong with my Anibella?!"  THEN, she told me that my sweet baby had thrush in her mouth & in her diaper area.  We both had thrush when Anibella was a few months old but I felt like the loser Mommy of the century for not noticing it this time!  I knew she had a little diaper rash but I didn't even see the white patches in her sweet little mouth!  How could I have not noticed when we spend all day together & I am either nursing or feeding her food all day?  I felt terrible & I just prayed that she wasn't feeling yucky because of it!  Her doctor asked if she had been fussy because thrush usually makes babies not feel good.  Anibella is such a sweet & happy baby & she didn't act any differently than usual!  THEN she proceeded to say......."Hmm, I'm a little concerned why Anibella has thrush at 9 months old.  Usually this is seen in little babies." & once again, my heart started to panic!  I immediately worried about Anibella's immune system & wondered why she would have thrush at her age!   So, now my heart was really having a hard time trusting God.  I know my good, kind, gracious & loving God is sovereign!  I know He loves us, cares for us & gave the greatest gift for us!  I know that He loves my sweet Anibella WAY more than I do (although it's hard to imagine anyone loving her more than I do but I know He does!) & I know that He cares about every detail of her precious little life!  Still, hearing that my precious little Anibella might have a problem with her little heart, knowing that she needs to gain weight & that she has thrush.......I was having a really hard time.  My sweet baby was asleep in her car seat on the way home & my big girls were all home with our sitter.  It was quiet & I was all alone with my thoughts.  All I wanted to do was stop the Suburban, get my baby out of her car seat, hug her, cry my eyes out & call out to God to heal & protect my baby!  I had to start talking to myself  BIG TIME, instead of listening to my fearful, anxious heart!  That's where I still am today.  Trying to trust God one day at a time, trying to put away those fearful, anxious thoughts & all of the "what if's".  I'm trying to remember that God gives me abundantly enough grace for today, not for tomorrow, not for the day we go for my Anibella's EKG, not for when we hear what the Pediatric Cardiologist says & not for all of my fears!  He is giving me enough grace for now, for today & I need to grab it, apprehend & be grateful for it!  SO, I am hugging & cuddling all 5 of my sweet baby girls tighter & appreciating them even more!  I'm so grateful to God for all of my baby girls & praying earnestly for my littlest baby love!  I will share the results of my Anibella's EKG as soon as I we know.  Please pray for our sweet baby girl!